At the age of 26 I became a divorcee. I was embarrassed of my failure and felt like damaged goods. I followed all the rules for dating and marriage! I did everything right* and here I was checking the divorced box on surveys.
Divorce was something I never thought I would experience. My parents are the epitome of the perfect couple and in my childhood I have no recollection of fighting or disagreements between them. I honestly thought marriage was easy.
Marriage turned out to be a lot of work with hardships and turmoil I'd never experienced. I vowed to never get married again.
Then I met Darren and everything I knew about a relationship was turned on it's head.
Rule Breaker 1: Our First Date Started With An Argument
If you want a man to like you don't challenge him on the first date. This was my original thinking.
But what about song lyrics?
It all started with Darren singing "Last Christmas" by Wham while we were watching a football game. He was singing the wrong words. Lyrics are sacred to me and for someone to not know the right ones is pure blasphemy.
I challenged him on it, he challenged me back and our relationship of fire and fun began.
I found out a healthy debate felt good and talking with someone who wasn't afraid to challenge me right back was exciting! And if you can't be yourself on the first date then when are you supposed to show your true colors?
Rule Breaker 2: I Aired My Dirty Laundry Day One
On a first date you are supposed to be on your best behavior and only share the good parts about you right? Or you should tell your date about the affair you had and that you're still not technically divorced (I'm currently covering my face and shaking my head).
I will never forget blurting this out to Darren after we'd just spent hours talking about fun things. I think I did it to repel him. I didn't feel I deserved someone this wonderful. He threw me for a loop when he asked for my number (his best friend had set us up for our first date).
Was this guy nuts?
Honesty is the way to go but airing dirty laundry early is like playing Russian roulette. In this scenario it worked out and I'm glad it did. I was able to talk about the elephant in the room and quickly move past it.
Rule Breaker 3: We Moved In Together After Only Knowing Each Other for 3 Months
After dating my first husband for 6 years and only living together after marriage and being burned by our polar opposite living styles I was not going to live with someone so late in the game. So, when Darren asked me to move in with him I said yes.
I thought this would for sure end the relationship quickly and in the process I would save some money! Win/Win
Except when I moved in I fell more in love with this fellow neat freak who refused to let me do his laundry or clean his house. (A responsible man, swoon)
We Argued Constantly
The first year we lived together was argument city and I'm not talking about chore arguments (see above, he was and is amazing at chores). Our arguments centered around future hypotheticals. What if we got married?What if we have kids how would we raise them? What if I worked after having children? How long should maternity leave last?
Yep, we got deep and we were on opposing sides on everything listed above.
One of the reasons my first marriage ended was the inability to truly communicate feelings. Instead of dealing with issues head on we bottled them up. Bottled emotions for me resulted in an affair. This time around I was not bottling anything up and I was not backing down and losing my identity.
After fighting over the topics above for a solid year we both learned a new word, compromise. He gave a little and so did I. (And the arguments involving children I find laughable now because we ended up raising our children and career planning differently than either of us fought for)
Rule Breaker #4: Children Actually Bonded Us
After living together for 3 years I buckled and married Darren. 11 months into our marriage we were pregnant. To say I was terrified is an understatement. I knew so many people that broke up from the stress of children. What if this was our breaking point?
Except the day our daughter was born changed all of that. From the minute Stella entered the world Darren and I were a team. We both got up with her. We worried together. We problem-solved together. When I flipped out he calmed me down. When he flipped out I calmed him down.
I realized we argued about everything before we had children. Now it was time to stop thinking and start doing. Now with 2 kids under our belt it's even harder but I wouldn't want to do this parenting thing with anyone else.
*Everything right is a term someone uses when they are denying their part of something going wrong. I was the primary reason my marriage ended.